Wallkill Public Radio:
Cookies Are a Sometimes Food
A Behind
the Scenes Look at the Truth submitted by Axon
“He dun loowst
heis miiind, that’s wut!” said Roots group
leader Sally Carmine from McQuady, KY. “He shaamin’ his fam’uly and it ain’t
riiiight! He teachin’ my kids disruspec’n yo mamma is fiiine and I git enough a’that
awlready!”
Ms. Carmine, with
the company of eight local group members, raises a crudely drawn poster above
her head nailed to an old piece of broken fencing. Waving the image of a
crossed out fruit salad at the few passing cars traveling through the
intersection of KY-105 & 261, Sally shouts repetitively, “Respec’ yo mamma!
Eat you’s cookies!”. The owner of the Ashland gasoline station they have
congregated in front of hands out free bottles of Diet Pepsi to the protesters
as testimony of his support. He also supplies them with expired packages of Oreo cookies which would normally be
carted across the street to the Pleasant View Baptist Church’s free food store
for the impoverished. Instead, angry Roots
members fling them at passing electric and especially Smart cars, concluding that such Liberal environmentalists must
surely be in favor of Cookie Monster’s switch to farm-fresh fruits.
One must wonder
if this group would continue their anarchical rampage if they knew the true nature of what has occurred under the guise of
liberally progressive thinking on the part of Mr. Monster. WPR sources have
uncovered the true story. They report that after decades of cookie addiction
and several unsuccessful treatments at rehabilitation centers, Cookie Monster’s
amassed fortune had been depleted by the turn of the century. By late 2006 his
net worth had reported in the red for twenty-one consecutive quarters. A
backwash of addiction related incidents had already caused major concern for
the clean-cut, family friendly image Sesame
Street desired to maintain. Dutifully, they declined to record new material
for their cookie consuming icon until he had cleaned up his image. Reluctantly,
he signed a ‘Cookie-free’ waiver and stared in a few segments entitled “Healthy
Habits for Life”. So deeply mired in debt, Mr. Monster desperately grasped for work
wherever his agent could book him. So it was that in 2007 Mr. Monster claimed an
offer from the office of Martha Stewart.
Mrs. Stewart, after
some personal failures of her own, was also looking to rebound and regain social
acceptance. After her target audience became disillusioned at seeing their ‘White
Knightess’ behind bars, Martha’s marketing agents explored ways to regain her cuddly
and fuzzy appearance. They naturally gravitated to the idea of inviting a Muppet to guest star
on her show. Producers, spring boarding off the newly invented mindset created
for Mr. Monster by Sesame Street, boldly
proposed Cookie Monster announce his love of other foods and promote a moderate view of
his namesake dessert. While initially uncooperative Cookie Monster gave way when
management threatened to reveal scandalous photographs of him unconscious in a back
alley following a post-rehab cookie binge.
While the
office of Martha Stewart refused to comment it would seem the slogan itself was
the brainchild of a Liberal janitor who worked on the set. Vexed with having to
constantly clean up cookie crumbs in the break room, he was heard muttering “Why
there always cookie platters up in here? People crunchin’ and crumbin’ all over
the flo’. Ain’t people heard’a fruit, veg’tables? No wonda’ them bafrooms all
nasty! Cookies is a sometimes food, not ‘n all day long food.” With mild
grammatical correction, the scriptwriters had their new slogan. Having signed a contract that allowed for no
creative license on his part Mr. Monster was obligated to conform to the script,
although at first there was clear evidence of frustration. Eventually, the sizable
compensation promised improved his mood and relations softened between Cookie
and the Martha Stewart production studio. As we know the campaign was marginally
successful, but it’s real impact came in polarizing its viewers. Both 'pro-liberal
Cookie Monster' and 'anti-Leftist Cookie Monster' threads flooded the Web. Viral
video giant, YouTube, also took note
of the monumental event and promised to apportion Cookie Monster a majority
stake in the royalties acquired from an advertising laced posting of the TV spot
on their Web page. Cookie Monster approved its use, though he made it clear that
his convictions did not mirror what was presented in the program.
When WPR requested
an interview Mr. Monster declined after being notified he would receive no
compensation for his time by this publicly funded radio station which, by the
way, will send you a T-shirt with Cookie Monster announcing his pro-cookie alternatives
slogan in recognition of any pledge you make to donate $100 or more. The lines
are open so please call 1-800-555-7891 right now and make your pledge, showing
your support for great public broadcasting such as the program you are enjoying
right now.
Although Mr.
Monster declined to be interviewed he had previously made an appearance on The Colbert Report in which he revealed
a bit more about his past. He spoke of his trouble with moderation when it
comes to cookie consumption. In connection with his extreme cookie abuse during
the 1970s and 1980s Cookie Monster described himself to be “the Robert Downey
Jr. of cookies”.
Our most recent
reports indicate that, like many past rehabilitation center drop-outs, such as
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, Cookie Monster is now campaigning to host Saturday Night Live with hopes to marginalize
his personal issues by reaching out to a peer group with more relaxed standards.
He hopes to gain some much needed sympathy and, perhaps, some self-respect.
Your listening
to WPR. I’m Axon.
(Support for
WPR is provided by: The Music Conservatory of Westchester – Welcoming community,
committed to the arts, where students of all ages and abilities develop their
talents.
And by: The
Robin Hood Foundation – Fighting poverty since 1988.)
-Axon
